I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
