Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize