Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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