i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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