I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
