wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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