i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
