good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize