just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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