My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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