We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
