I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
