NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
