new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
