Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
