I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
