And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
