who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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