shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize