I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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