How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
