Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
