I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
