the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
