I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
