thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
