How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Alive.
So much puke
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
