the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
