Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
