My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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