if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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