peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
