dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
