she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
