Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
