Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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