The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Boobs are out for the taking
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
