Where is the hickey?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize