It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
