saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
