Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
