Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
