I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
