She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize