I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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