things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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