dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize