I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
