I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
