I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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