Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
