I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
