I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
