i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
