That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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