where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
