When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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