3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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