i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
