her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
