my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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