God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
