i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
