her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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