So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
