booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
