at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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