haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
